Cavemen Today: Conversations
Son: "I want fly"
Chief: "no good"
Son: "yes, bird"
Chief: "huh?"
100,000 years later....
Son: “I think it would be fun to be able to fly like a bird.”
Chief: “OK, but we’ll need to build a flying machine.”
Son: “That would be great!”
Chief: “But first we're gonna have to figure out how to cultivate and domesticate so we can stay put.
Son: “Why do we have to stay put?”
Chief “’Cause we're gonna need to build a factory”.
Son: “That would be fantastic! I'm tired of wandering around looking for food all day long.
Chief: “Daughter, you know how these plants work don’t you?”
Daughter: “I know a little magic.”
Son: “What’s a factory?”
25,000 years later
Chief: I tired of all these other tribes stealing our crops and livestock.
Son: We need to build a fence.
Chief: A fence! Great idea! A strong defense! And maybe some religion, too, now that we have this gardening thing down.
Son: Religion?
Chief: Cooperation without having to explain all the magic that goes into our establishment!
Son: What about Universal Education?
Chief: Huh? This magic is what gives us the power, Son. And it’s proprietary.
Daughter: Don’t I get some credit?
Chief: SHH!
Daughter: “Cavemen!”
10,000 years later
Son: Where do we come from?
Chief: That’s a good question? You came from your mother.
Son: Where did she come from?
Chief: Her mother.
Son: Where did the first mother come from?
Chief: A fruit fell to the ground and the first mother sprang up.
Son: Where did the first father come from?
Chief: Another fruit fell to the ground and the first father sprang up. Then they had a picnic. They ate some fruit, and some time later in the Spring out sprang the first off spring from the first mother.
Son: Fruitful Spring! How do you know this?
Chief: Huh? I figured it out. Why, don’t you believe me? Are you on this Universal Education thing again?
Son: Your guess is as good as mine.
Chief: Believe me! It’s true! Now you listen to me.
Son: Where did everything come from? A really big fruit?
Chief: Yes, from a really big fruit tree.
Son: So we’re all descendents of a really big family fruit tree. Well, why didn’t you say so?
Chief: Is that all?
Son: Where did the really big family fruit tree come from?
Chief: Now you listen to me! If you look up into the night sky, every night you’ll see a fruit falling from the sky. From the really big fruit tree.
Son: You’ve got all the answers, don’t you?
Chief: I better had, I’m the leader of this tribe. A lot of people are counting on me. So you listen to me, you hear?
Son: I think we need a university.
Chief: Huh? What’s a university?
Son: But first we need to do some research.
Chief: Where are you going? We already have a calendar shrine! We already know when to plant the seeds.
Son: I gotta wander. It’s in my genes.
Chief: Be sure and write.
Son: WHEN I FIGURE THAT OUT I WILL!
Chief: WAIT! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ!
Son: WHO DOES? FIGURE IT OUT!
Chief: Great! What is this world coming to? Reading and writing and ‘rithmetic. My bankers already know ‘rithmetic. Maybe they can help. DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR ROYALTIES! Kids these days. DON’T YOU WANT TO SETTLE DOWN? DON’T YOU WANT TO FLY LIKE A BIRD? I thought everyone wanted to fly like the birds. Maybe my bankers can help. They already know about ‘rithmetic. Wait a minute. What’s he going to write on? Rocks? Wet clay tablets? That might work. Wet clay tablets baked in the sun. Or in the fire. Yeah. This establishment thing is starting to get complicated.
Banker: You’re right.
Chief: Yeah, but we don’t have a postal service. Or even addresses. OK. We need addresses! Write this down!
Banker: Who, me?
Chief: Take a memo!
Banker: All I know is how to write down numbers.
Chief: Well, think of something. You’re the new tribal scribe!
Banker: I am?
Chief: I gave you a promotion!
Banker: I’m already the wealthiest caveman here.
Chief: You are? I thought I was!
Banker: That’s what I meant!
Chief: Are you sure?
Banker: Yes! I’ll be happy to be the new tribal scribe. How about calling me the Banker Tribal Scribe.
Chief: OK Banker Tribal Scribe. Well, where’s your writing material? You’re gone write this down with that little stick?
Banker: Yes. On this wet clay tablet.
Chief: “What is an address? Suggestions welcomed.” Got it? Print that up and circulate it throughout the village.
Banker: I can’t write that yet, and nobody can read it anyway.
Chief: We’ll let’s start a village school. Get on that right now.
Banker: And invent written language too?
Chief: What’s the matter? Create a code with symbols. We’ll call it “Tongue.” If you need some help, get some. And make it snappy!
Banker: Who does he think I am, Bill Gates? And what about all those things that don't have a name that we just point to and say that?
Chief: Name them.
Banker: Name them all? Oh! Now I'm a tonguologist! Tonguology. This could be fun. Deriviative
Chief: What's a motorcycle?
Coach: I have a new game for the masses, Chief.
Chief: What are masses?
Coach: I have a new game for our tribe?
Chief: OK, lets hear it.
Coach: We create two teams of players, and they try to get the ball into the goal.
Chief: What's a ball?
Coach: Well it's like an egg, but round.
Chief: OK. So what? That's it? They steal an egg and put it in a nest?
Coach: Well, not exactly. The ball is bigger and it's made from leather.
Chief: You got a big egg.
Coach: Well the really fun part of this game is they can't use their hands.
Chief: So how do they get the big egg into the big nest?
Coach: They use their feet.
Chief: So why can't they use their hands?
Coach: I don't know, I just thought this game up. But they can use their heads.
Chief: What do you mean?
Coach: They can use their heads to maneuver the ball into the goal. Bounce the ball off their heads!
Chief: Won't they get egg all over their face?
Coach: The ball is made of leather. It only has air in it?
Chief: Well won't the air get all over their face?
Coach: The ball won't break.
Chief: Oh well that's good. What's air?
Coach: So can I organize this game?
Chief: Well... all right. But I think they should use their hands, and not their heads. And maybe use some sticks.
Coach: I really have to put my foot down. I think they should use their feet and their heads without their hands or sticks.
Chief: I think you're nuts, but go ahead. It will never catch on. So what are the masses? And what's this air? And what exactly do you mean round?
Chief: Put his foot down. It's better to use their heads instead of their hands. Cavemen today!
Some months later...
Chief: How's you egg hunt?
Coach: Some of them really like it, but others still want to use their hands.
Chief: I knew that. It will never catch on.
Coach: I want to try another game.
Chief: Well of course you do. I told you. So what is it? Tell me!
Coach: Well, the ball really is shaped like an egg. And the center bends down, and on the hut one, hut two signal pops the ball to the quarterback through his legs, where the hands of the quarterback are waiting in his crotch. The quarterback ..
Chief: Wait! Wait! Wait! You've got the quarterback”s hands between the legs of the center whose ass in up in the air?
Coach: That's right.
Chief: Where exactly did you say?
Coach: In the center's crotch.
Chief: Hut One? Hut Two? What does that mean?
Coach: I don't know, I'm just making this game up? OK?
Chief: Well OK? But you really do sound screwy?
Coach: WooHoo! Wait till you see the tight ends! And forward passes! Bye.
Chief: I think that guy is off his rocker. I wonder if he's gay? It sounds like crap to me. Cavemen today! But I suppose it’s better than war!
